Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
