dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
this hospital has no fireball
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
