the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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