I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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