and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
