I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it's like heaven, but drunker
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
