I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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