Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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