What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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