Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Randomize
