I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
