I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize