Just cropdusted the office
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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