So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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