i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
