Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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