Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
