tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
