Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
