You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
