Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
