The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
