Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
