We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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