I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
