I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize