haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
