There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
