There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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