Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
