My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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