PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
