Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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