I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
