We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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