Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
