$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize