Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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