saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
