Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
