took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
