she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
