The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
