life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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