honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
