Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
