I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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