you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
