Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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