You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
