We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
