He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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