We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
