I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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