I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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