We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize