Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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