thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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