he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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