you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
