your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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